The Contrast: Summer 2011 and Summer 2012

Summer 2011
I don't know if I have mentioned this in my previous blog, but I really did not want to return to GE for another summer internship for this year (2012, before senior year). The co-op coordinator there, Ben Nagaraj(sp?) emailed me whether I wanted to return to GE for another rotation. I told him no, I was going to South Africa instead. I had an amazing summer last time in Cincinnati, summer of 2011. Living with 5 other guys in a whole house to ourselves, with our own aspiring french style chef Richard, drink mixologist Jeff, chill dude from Cali (Weston), company man David, and my good friend Steven. We had such an amazing time. One of the greatest/craziest/fun summers I have ever had. Thinking back.....just wow.....feels like a dream. Here are some of the memories:

1. Rock climbing
Boy did I climb a lot of walls that spring and summer. Almost every day after work, I would meet up with Morris at Rock Quest to climb walls. At first, it was ridiculously hard. so much pain in my fingers, my forearms. But yeah, that was definitely my sport of the summer.

2. 18 mile kayak trip
We went kayaking a few times during the summer. It was so much fun, and so cheap compared to kayaking in the east coast, Delaware River. Once, we had a house kayaking outing for 18 miles. What an amazing day that was.

3. personal chef/mixologist
We were so lucky. Almost every week Richard would cook us some fancy meal, usually I don't even know what they are called. Some French fancy stuff. This was followed by drink tasting with Jeff. Oh man I didnt realize how complicated a mixing can be. I wish I tried to keep track and learn the names of the drinks, but there were so many. I ddin't know half the stuff I was drinking. And because I didn't know what they were, what was in it, (I would forget even tho Jeff would always explain) I would get drunk because it was too hard to calculate alcohol content. Even Henry and Lawrence drove down from Chicago to party with us. and haha, that time we tried to walk into white castle drive thru.

4. shooting fireworks on the rooftop
This was pretty crazy too. I think Jeff bought some in Indiana. So on 4th of July, we climbed out of our bathroom window to a porch/rooftop area and shot fireworks. There were tree branches over us, and a lot of it would bounce right back down to us. What a great night.

5. Driving
I probably drove about 5400 miles of long distance solo driving on the 98 camry. Went back and forth few times among Chicago, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Washington DC, New Jersey, and Cincinnati. I still love driving.

This summer was amazing. I thought I would have a lot of free time because I'm just working and not at school, but no. I was always hitting the gym/climbing/studying chinese after work during weekdays, parties/drinking/kayaking/driving. HOWEVER, I did not want to go back to Cincinnati, especially back to GE. I was only lucky I was able to be in a house with such amazing guys, and there probably won't be another summer like it. I really did not working in the corporate environment. Everyday as I enter the office building, I could not wait to get out. The things I did seemed so minuscule and unimportant. Of course, I was only an intern, but from what I've seen of what other engineers do, its not that much different. What each person does is so minuscule for what it takes to run an entire jet engine company. If I worked there as full time, from the very first day of work I would look forward to the day I retire, and this is no good. Even though I had one of the most amazing summers outside work, I think I really should pursue a career that I will find fulfilling.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Summer 2012
So, this summer, I decided to do something completely random, completely out of the ordinary for an engineer. Now that my original plan of entering the working world as an engineer has been darkened(?), I needed to find where my interest lay. I won't be able to do this if I just keep doing things within a limited scope. I decided to push the boundary. I went to South Africa in a rural village to learn about the field of development, at the crucial summer when you are supposed to get that internship that can lead you to job after graduating. Most people that went with me in the program are students who are studying international studies or policies and at least have some what of an interest in this field. When I talked to them, I just straight up told them:

"unlike you guys, I actually am not interested in development work at work."

"whatt?? why are you here?"

"hold on, let me explain.  All I know is engineering, so I wanted to push my boundaries and try something random. I've never even thought about development work, and I thought I should at least give it a chance and see if I like it."

These conversations would often be followed by comments like, I give you a lot of respect for that. Most of us have at least been thinking about pursuing this, but for you to do this completely random, I give you props.

So I spent 2 months in rural South Africa with no internet, no running water, no paved roads. It was definitely an amazing one of a kind experience, and I will probably dedicate another blog post just about this. Here are some pictures:
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151001470437019.425237.727342018&type=1&l=5be2afeca7


This was followed by my bicycle trip from Chicago to New York. I actually did it! My very first blog post entry was about my musings at the library about Charlie the cyclist, and I actually carried out my dream! I will make another post about that, but wow, what an experience. I arrived home 3 days before classes started back in Northwestern, so I barely got any time to rest before flying right back to Chicago. What a weird feeling that was, after spending so much time and energy to get home in 24 days and I fly right back to where I started in an afternoon. Ridiculous.

So far, I think I've spent my summers very productive, in very eye opening ways. I'm so glad I went to GE because now I know how much I don't like that kind of work. This past summer, was of course, such an eye opener. More than anything, I am learning about myself. I think this is very important. That is probably the biggest takeaway from my college experience. Before coming to NU, my life I have must been blinding following what the world around me told me to do. Now, I know more and more what I desire, so I can act accordingly. So far with all my travels, I am continuing to realize that the entire world is there for me to explore, and I should take all my opportunities to do so.

What I Think about People, investing in relationships with others

I realize that I have been putting very little importance on people, on having relationships with people. I have always thought it is just temporary, so its not worth pursuing, putting in my effort to seek and treasure relationships with people. Why should I, when, after 2,3, or 4 years, it will come to an end and we will go our separate ways? I need people just enough to have fun, to chill, to enjoy life for the moment.

I think subconsciously, when I look at people who try hard and put a lot of effort into fostering friendships, I thought I knew better. These people are wasting time. Relationships are temporary. In the end, you are on your own in life. Because I thought this way, I was impervious to issues that come with valuing relationships/people. Why would I feel lonely, why would I crave people's attention, their company, when in the end, I must face life on my own?

But this hasn't been true. I do want people's attention, I do feel lonely, I do want other people's company. And now I admit, I am most happy when I am with other people. I thought I was too cool for this.......how stuck up I am.

What do I do from this? I am still not fully convinced. I still believe relationships are temporary. But despite this, is it still worth investing in it? Why do I feel sad, feel depressed, when I think relationships are not worth valuing?

I don't know.

7 paragraph letter to my parents

wow. how did I end up writing 7 paragraph email to my parents in Korean.....

here it is.

In reply to dad's email regarding my possible trip to Korea this summer.

솔직히 한국에 가고싶은건 특별한 이유는 없고 그저 한국에 가서 내가 한국사람이다 라는걸 다시 느끼고 싶은게 재일 큰 이유인거 같아.

그리고 몇몇 학교애들이 올 여름방학에 한국간다고 해서 같이 만나자고 했고.

그런데 이렇게 가면 현민이는 한국에 안가? 나는 신경쓰지말고 현민이랑 같이 더 일직 한국에 가면 좋을거 같은데. 나는 가도 나중에 혼자 가도 괜찮으니까.

그리고 누가 파리로 study abroad간다고 해서 이번 기회에 차라리 파리나 갈까 생각도 들고. 친구가 불어좀 하니까 돌아다니는것도 더 수월할거같고.

아니면 한국 갔다가 파리도 가는방법은 무리인가? 이번에 우리학교 개학이 더 느쳐져서 시간이 더 많아.

일단 나 상관하지말고 현민이 데리고 한국가는데 낳을거 같은데.

아빠, 엄마, 그리고 현민이도.

방금 아빠가 보이스메일로 내 미래에 대해 생각한거 있으면 알려달라고 해서 이번 3학년동안 무슨생각을 하면서 살았는지 한번 써 볼께. 직접 얼굴 보면서 이야기하면 더 수월할테지만 그건 나중에 집에가면 하고.

아마 철이 덜 들었다고 생각할지도 모르지만 일단 솔직하게 써볼께.

요즘들어 장거리 자전거 여행에 부쩍 관심이 늘었어. 그냥 취미로 하는것보단 아예 자전거 타고 돌아다니면서 사는거. 매일 탠트치고 자면서.

저번에 Wisconsin까지 자전거 타고 간 것도 이때문이었고.

처음 특별히 이런 생각을 가지게 한건 어떤 자전거로 지금 세계일주하는 사람의 싸이트를 읽다가 느꼈어.

http://7lee.com/xe/home

이사람은 한국사람이고 싸이트도 한국어니까 한번 둘러봐.

한국사람인데 영어이름이 찰리라고 하는데 이사람은 지금까지 중국, 중동, 아프리카, 인도, 오스트리엘리아, 그리고 지금은 브라질을 7년동안 자전거를 타고 돌아다녀.

그리고 부자라서 이렇게 다니는것도 아니야. 다 싼것만 찾아다니고 기부돈도 좀 받으면서 돌아다녀. 오스트리엘리아 에서는 6개월동안 공장에서 일하면서 여행비벌고.

더 찾아보니까 이사람이 그렇게 특별한것도 아니야. 지금 이사람처럼 장거리 여행 하면서 사는사람들 무척 많아.

근데 나한테도 신기한게 지금까지 엄마 아빠 한테 한 예기가 살면서 별로 열정이 느껴지는 일이 없다고 했는데 위 찰리 왭싸이트에 업데이트가 떳거나 이런 다른사람들 이야기를 읽고 있으면 시간가는줄 모르고 열심히 읽게돼.

읽으면서 계속 생각나는게, "부럽다, 존경스럽다" 같은 생각밖에 안들어. 한번은 시험공부 해야되는데 http://7lee.com/xe/home왭싸이트를 정신없이 읽기도 했고.

어렸을때는 위인전이나 노밸상 받는 그런 훌륭한 사람들 이야기를 들으면 나도 저런사람이 되고싶다 라고 느꼈는데 지금은 안그래.

지금은 그런사람 이야기를 들어도, 별 느낌이 안들어. 느낀거라면 그저, 저 사람은 자기가 즐거운 일을 하면서 인생을 살아가니까 좋겠구나 라는 생각뿐이야.

반대로 자전거 여행하는 찰리같은 사람의 이야기를 읽어보면 가슴이 뛸정도로 '나도 나중에 꼭 한번 저렇게 하고싶다, 저런사람이 되고싶다' 라는 생각이 들어.

내가 생각하기에 내가 왜 이런사람들을 존경스럽게 느껴지는거 같냐면 '꼭 자전거 많이 타서 좋겠다' 가 아니고 이 세상이 하라는것, 즉 공부 열심히 하고, 좋은 직업을 가지고, 안정된 삶을 살라는 것을 뿌리치고 자신이 찐짜 하고싶은걸 하고 산다는게 재일 존경스러운거 같아. 나도 이렇게 하고싶고. 

자주 떠오르는 질문, '이 사람은 이렇게 사는데 나는 이렇게 못할 이유도 없지않는가?' 라는 질문에 바로 나오는 답이 '진심으로 하고싶으면 그냥 하면 된다. 제일 큰 넘어서야할 문제는 나 스스로의 용기다' 라는 생각밖에 안 들어.

그러면 이어지는 질문이 '이게 내 꿈이라면 지금 내가 왜 여기서 공부를 하고있나?'이지만,  '그럼 공부 때러치우고 바로 자전거 타고 출발해야지' 라는 대답이 안나와. 스스로의 불확실함의 두려움과 용기가 아직 없어서.

이런생각을 하게된 또 다른 이유는 어떤 책을 읽고나서 더 굳게 생겼어. '아프니까 청춘이야' 라는 한국어책인데 어떤 한국애 친구가 겨울에 한국갔다 오면서 사줬어. 김난도라는 서울대학교 교수가 쓴 책인데 지금 한국에서 배스트셀러래.

내 나이처럼 지금 대학교에 다니는 애들을 위해 남은 인생을 어떻게 생각해야 하는가에 대해서 써 있어. 내가 기억나는 메세지를 정리해보면,

다른사람들이 안가는 길을 선택하라, 중앙으로 가지말고 테두리로 가라,

다른사람을이 모두 애써서 가는 목표(좋은 직장등등)말고 아무도 안가는 길을 가라

월급이 적은일을 택하라

부모나 어떤 다른사람들이 하지 말라고 하면 무조건 해라

성공할 확률이 거의 없더라도 하고싶은것을 해라

이런걸 읽으면서 내가 생각하는것과 많이 일치해서 아주 와닿았어.

그리고 읽으면서 한국에 있는 부모들이 얼마나 애들을 공부만 시키고 부모가 하라는데로만 하게하는지를 다시한번 보게 해 줬고. 읽으면서 '내 엄마 아빠는 나 하고싶은것을 많이 존중해 주는데' 하면서 감사하기도 했고.

혹시 정신나갔다고 생각할지도 모르겠지만 일단 지금 생각은 이래.

자전거 예기는 남은 인생동안 그렇게 산다는건 아니고 한번 해보고 싶다고. 더 늦기전에.

뉴욕에서 캘리포니아 까지는 한번 해볼만 한거 같은데. 해본 사람들도 이미 무지 많고.

또 하나 느낀거는 요즘 내 생각이 상당히 변동이 심하다는 걸 느꼈어. 다음번에 만나서 예기할때는 또 생각이 바뀔지도 모르고.

그리고 내가 생각하기에 이런 생각이 드는 하나의 좀 흥미스러운 이유는 내가 살면서 하도 떠돌아 다녀서 한곳에 머물러 안정되게 살고 싶다는 생각이 별로 안 드는거 같에.

이렇게 한국어를 많이 쓴게 얼마만인지 모르겠네. 내 생각을 직접 글로 쓰니까 좀 정리가 되는거 같기도 하고.

해야할 숙제도 무지 많은데 이걸 쓰느라고 시간 많이 소비했네.

끝

현우가

What I Care About

What I Care About, at this point in life

long distance cycling - living on the road
travelling
basketball
working out/lifting
enjoying school - not wanting to graduate
starcraft
myself
learning chinese


What I Don't Care About
money
fame
God..?
grades
getting a 'good (in the eyes of others)' job
other people

stumbled upon a facebook feed

wow. got this off of facebook feed. 
i couldnt help but felt the need to save this somewhere.


Evil is absence of God.




Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Professor : Is GOD good ?

Student : Sure.

Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?

Student : Yes.

Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent.)

Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Is satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor: Where does satan come from ?

Student : From … GOD …

Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Professor: So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer.)

Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who created them ?

(Student had no answer.)

Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?

Student : No , sir.

Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn’t.

(The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?

Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.

Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class was in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

(The class broke out into laughter. )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.

Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

P.S.

I believe you have enjoyed the conversation. And if so, you’ll probably want your friends / colleagues to enjoy the same, won’t you?

Forward this to increase their knowledge … or FAITH.

By the way, that student was EINSTEIN.

Indian Garden Bike Trip

I just saw Tablo's 'Fever's End' Commentary Film on youtube.
I'm just, again, impressed by how he is able to turn his thoughts into music, into rap. He has a lot in his mind, a lot of confusion. He thinks too much, kinda the way I feel about myself. He's just really good at articulating those thoughts. I think that's what I'll use this blog for. Just to jot down my thoughts, freely. Being able to articulate is important. It might be worth something if I actually articulate. Probably help me think more clearly and see a solution. maybe. maybe not.


My only real final was yesterday (Monday), so today I went on a bike trip to Devon Ave. to get some Indian food with Henry - used his groupon.
Weather was amazing, and it was a refreshing trip, but what sticks to my mind is my chat with Henry at Indian Garden while waiting for our food. He asked me what my spiritual background was, coming into college. I opened up and told him that I used to be very strong in my belief in God, when I was in Taiwan and Korea, but as I came to the states, I felt more distant, because of various possible reasons.

                                                                                                                                                
So then why did you join AAIV?

I wanted to hold on. If I didn't join something, I knew I would just completely fall apart from God. I wanted to get back to my old self......be reinvigorated.

Has that worked?

No.

So what are the main things that you are having trouble with?

Whether or not God exist. I think mentally, I always come into conclusion that God must exist. If He isn't real, then there is no purpose or meaning in life. Why live? no morals no nothing. Live, die and that's it. I just don't feel him. I guess........I don't see him.........working in my life.

Yeah, that's a problem with a lot of people, even for those that call themselves Christians. It's hard when life is easy and people are self sufficient, they don't have to rely on God.

Sometimes, the rare times I actually pray........I ask, if what it takes is for me to go through some hardship, if that is what it takes for me to believe in You, give it to me.

That's a really scary thing to pray for. I'm surprised nothing has happened yet. How often do you pray about that?

Not very often. But when actually pray, it seems like that's what it comes down to.
                                                                                                                                                
Do you know when you want to get married?

I don't know. Oh, I was talking to Jesse about this, and what's really important for me is, it can always change but this is what I think right now, I want to do some thing I really like with my life. That is at the very top of my priority. I don't really care about other things, I don't care about money, and if I had to sacrifice having a family to pursue what I want to do, I just won't have a family. but right now, I still don't know what that thing is that I would sacrifice anything for.

I know its said all the time, but I know what you are looking for is God.

I know. That's what I was saying earlier in small group, salvation gives you meaning and purpose in life. Without it, there is no point in living. I know those two are very much intertwined.

I'm glad you are in my small group.

I barely go.

No, you come whenever you have time. You are more a regular than some others.
                                                                                                                                                

Kershaw knife, plan to bike to WI

Finally got my Kershaw Serrated Burst knife!

I also ordered a $1.69 free shipping magnesium/flit stick for fire starter.

I've also been looking into biking to WI. Apparently only takes 3 hours according to google. not bad.

View Larger Map (Google Bicycle Trail to WI border)

Tentative Plan: (weather permitting)
1. First Saturday after spring break, depart early morning.
2. bike all day, get to WI-IL border.
3. Find a place to sleep in the woods, in my sleeping bag.
4. Wake up next morning and bike back.

I'm excited!